Today my wonderful man turns another year older, although with the clouds of uncertainty hanging over our heads, he doesn’t really want to make a big deal out of it. He asked me not to get him any gifts this year, so I didn’t, but I made sure he woke up to a smile, a hug and two birthday cards. The first card was one that I knew would make him smile (funny cards with pictures of dogs on them always work.) The second card is the one that I have scanned with this post. And it made him cry.The reason I had to get this card, was because I’ve never found a birthday card before that so perfectly describes the most striking qualities about the man I love.

Firstly,he works hard. Really hard. It has overwhelmed me how hard he has worked for both of us for these past three years, not only working full time as a middle school teacher (not exactly a relaxing, easy job), but also working two other jobs just to keep us financially stable. In addition, he is talking to lawyers, working on our website and contacting senators as part of our ongoing fight. Yet still he finds time to take computer support calls from friends and family, who rely on his computer knowledge to keep their technology from breaking down. If he’s lucky, he gets four or five hours of sleep a night. He is in a constant state of exhaustion, but he keeps going, because he knows he has to.

Secondly, he cares deeply. I‘ve never in my life met someone who cares so much, often to the detriment of himself. He cares for me, like I have never felt cared for in my life. He cares for his family, making sacrifices for them without even thinking about it. Even though today is his birthday, he doesn’t really have the energy to celebrate it. But his mum and his sister are coming over tonight, with food and cake anyway. Because he knows its as much about them needing to show their love. In fact he’s calling today a second ‘Mother’s day’, because he knows how important it is to her.

He cares very deeply about his job, the children that he teaches and nurtures. Months before we went public with our story, Gary was constantly worrying about the impact that it could have on the kids he taught. Every time he has had to take a day off of school because of our struggle, his primary worry was always ‘How will this affect my kids?’. We only went public once he had checked thoroughly that it wouldn’t cause a problem for either his school or his students. Ironically enough, during a parents meeting, one parent had the gall to say ‘Didn’t he ever think of the children?’ A statement that proves that they didn’t understand Gary at all.

How much he still cares about his school is remarkable to me, considering how they violated his privacy and broke so many laws you can’t count them one hand. A few years ago, he was humiliated during a staff meeting where they discussed, planned, and used his sexual orientation in a “game”.  All he asked for was an apology, and never got it. Some parents and faculty members have shunned him completely, because he has taken a stand for equality. He constantly sees staff members collecting money for others who have had accidents or fallen ill, or even just hit hard times. But there has never been a collection for him, despite all that he has been going through. He does have some wonderful support from certain people in that school, but the incidents of discrimination have wounded him. Despite all that, he still cares.

Thirdly, he gives his best for the people in his life. There are hundreds of examples I could give, but one that springs to mind is his work with a local Boy Scouts troop. He has been helping them earn their art merit badge, giving up more of his sparse spare time. Despite his exhaustion he will still take long phone calls from troop leaders with queries. I find it ironic how much work he is doing for this scout troop, especially in light of the discriminatory practices of the Boy Scouts nationally. But Gary doesn’t see that when he’s there, he just sees what he does as for the benefit of the kids.

So here’s to another wonderful year with you, baby!
I loved you from the moment I first met you, and I always will…

My first visit to the capital of the United States was not exactly the tourist experience that is in brochures. In the time we had there I did not get to see the usual tourist sights. We had virtually no time for anything but working on our primary goal. I hope to go back there again one day and get to see the sights and sounds of Washington, DC.  I don’t think it will be someday soon, though.

What I did get to experience while I was there was a new perspective on everything that Gary and I have been through in our fight to be together. One of the tough things about dealing with this kind of discrimination is that there are few people who can truly empathize with you. Our friends, family and neighbors have been amazingly supportive; they offer love, reassurance and whatever practical help they can. The phrase we hear from so many people is “I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like to be going through this” – because literally, they can not. The idea that no one else “gets it” can make you feel very lonely, even when you’re surrounded by support. But, when we met with the other families from all over the country (more than fifty families in fact) at the center of them all were bi-national couple and families, leaving in fear that they could be torn apart at any moment. During time spent in meetings there we had the unique opportunity to not only share our story but also to hear dozens of others stories- each one unique. Some of the couples there had been fighting this battle for over a decade, living all that time, not knowing if they were going to be separated at any moment. Others were trying to raise children with the threat of deportation hanging over their heads. American citizens fearful of having to make a choice to leave their own country and return to the country of their foreign spouse (where they are legally welcomed as a spouse). Some of the bravest people there were the ones who were alone- their spouse having already been forced to leave the country. Their relationship is now sustained by sparse and brief visits whenever they could afford to travel, many times going years in-between visits.

Despite all the various tales we heard, some in more fortunate positions that we are, and some in much more desperate situations, there were always several common threads woven throughout. The first and most apparent thread was true and unconditional love and connection. Every couple we spoke to was very obviously in love. They behaved like every genuine long-term couple I’d ever known. Finishing each other’s sentences, straightening their partners collar while they talked, unconsciously reaching for their lovers hand when they needed to say something emotional or difficult. Another thread amongst American citizens was frustration. When you face injustice for so long, and have to spend every day, fighting, just to have the person you love by your side. Sometimes this frustration manifested as anger, sometimes as sadness. But alongside that was always a sense of determination. Giving up the fight wasn’t an option, no matter how hard it got. Their relationship, their love, was worth any price.

A thread that I noticed in common was one that I feel very strongly every day (and this was something I shared with many of the other foreign partners in the room)- a feeling of helplessness. When you have no legal status in a country, you can’t work, you can’t open bank accounts, you can’t get insurance, etc., you are totally dependent on your spouse to support you and to bear an unfair portion of the responsibility for both of you. Even when meeting with Senators and members of The House of Representatives, I had to rely on Gary to do most of the speaking- he is the US citizen with the right to vote and the right to speak with government officials.

I have had to watch the man that I love work himself to point of collapse to support the two of us. He works all day teaching, then he works a second and sometimes third job from home in the evenings and weekends, and on top of all of that, he has to make all the calls to banks, insurance companies, pay all our bills and do all the legal things that I cannot do. It is a horrible enough experience watching someone you love burn themselves out, giving everything of themselves over to work and responsibility. But when they are making that sacrifice just so that the two of you can be together, and you are unable, forbidden even, to help them in any practical way. It’s heartbreaking for me.

There were many other commonalities, and many shared moments of empathy, as we heard more stories through the day. You don’t feel so lonely, so isolated, when you have a chance to meet a room full of other people who really do “get it.”  -but that feeling of reassurance doesn’t last very long. The staggering number of other people hurting and facing the unknown just as you and your spouse are, the way our and family is, you feel saddened and even more driven to do whatever you can to change it. But again, I can not work to change it. Only Gary and the people of this country I would like to call call home one day can do that.